


Of Monsters and Men

by Terrorfecta



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aftercare, Dirk hates himself, Dom Drop, Dom/sub, M/M, Pony Play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 13:23:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20761052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terrorfecta/pseuds/Terrorfecta
Summary: Equius deserves better than this. Deserves better than Dirk. But Dirk can't find the words to tell him to leave. Meanwhile, the pit of self-hatred in his gut seems to be getting thicker and more bitter with every session. But how do you ask for help when you don't know what you need? And how do you ask it from someone when you've taken everything else?





	Of Monsters and Men

**Author's Note:**

> So there are a lot of fics about sub drop and aftercare, but barely any about dom drop. This was originally going to be a self-indulgent PWP to get me back into writing fanfic, but then I caught a bad case of thinking the plot through to its logical conclusion and here we all are. Equius is a little out of character here, but I'm attributing that to <strike>me not being able to write him well</strike> character growth. Also, Dirk seriously, seriously hates himself in this. Like, jesus, what did I do to this poor boy.
> 
> **Content warning:** Consensual and sexually themed violence, minor (fantasy) genital injuries, negative and persistent intrusive thoughts

This was going to destroy him one day. Or maybe it would destroy both of them. It would certainly guarantee his trip to the lowest rings of Hell.

As he snapped the leather crop across slick, injured flesh, Dirk tried to back his disgust enough to focus on his lover. No, that was the wrong word. Victim. That sounded better. How had he managed to convince anyone to do this for him? To stand there, bound in leather, blind, gagged, helpless? This wasn’t even the first time. Somehow he’d managed to break this poor fool so badly that he asked for more. Another crack of the crop, snapping against the troll’s back and leaving a raised blue welt. He had to really give it his all to leave any kind of mark, although if he was honest with himself, he didn’t know if he would have let up for a softer partner. His arms and lungs were burning and he had never felt more alive.

God, he was a monster. The strangled howl of pain went straight through him in all the best ways. The deep loathing that echoed back did nothing to stop how hard his erection rubbed against the inside of his boxers.

Equius had asked. He _asked_ for this, even though he had no idea what he was really getting into. Whispered words, a nervous, sweaty smile when the blond had finally wiggled his way past the troll’s defenses long enough to offer. An opening Dirk could exploit, and did. Equius had given him an inch, a request that any human lover would have given him, and Dirk had turned it into this mockery of what sex was supposed to be like.

“I would not be opposed,” the indigo had demurred in that hushed way of speaking. “If you would be a bit more… forceful. With me.” He had flushed then, just a hint of blue on his face, quickly hidden by the much more copious amount of sweat. As the troll had dabbed at his face and neck with a towel, Dirk had laid plans. And the troll had just… agreed, even after Dirk explained how much it would hurt. How much it would make him scream.

The indigoblood’s face was covered almost completely by a silk blindfold. It was soaked in sweat and tears. The gag took up the rest of his appearance, a black bit and tongue port that had the troll drooling down his chin. It was made of stronger stuff than rubber, although the silicone coating helped keep the troll from snapping any more teeth. His face was the portrait of agony; what little of it was visible was almost grotesque in its expression. The pony mask had been discarded early into their session, when breath became more important than appearance. It could have stayed. Equius wouldn’t have complained one bit. Would have trusted him even as the breath left him, even as the stale air made his lungs spasm and twitch. He wouldn’t have resisted even as he died, because someone he called ‘sir’ had ordered it of him.

Dirk tried not to laugh out loud as he yanked Equius’s head back by the hair. His bare foot slipped between the troll’s thighs to toe at his nook. The vibrating tail plug in his waste chute had him dripping near constantly onto the floor, unable to climax. Even the tiniest brush against his sex made the troll jolt and keen, so desperate for contact.

In a desperate attempt to assuage his guilt, Dirk had insisted on an out. Equius had a buzzer in one fist. One squeeze, and the alarm would go off, and everything would stop. As Dirk continued pressing his toes into the troll, he looked down at the indigoblood’s hands. They were in hoof mitts, of course, but he could still see the bright orange device, just barely peeking through the uncovered back of the mitt. It grounded him a little, kept him from spiraling completely into the pit of self-loathing in which he normally lived.

“You’re such a fucking idiot,” Dirk whispered, sure the troll couldn’t hear him over the squelching of his nook and the noises he was making. He reached down with the crop and gave the troll’s bulge a light tap, not nearly hard enough to hurt but definitely hard enough to notice. The sob of pleasure as the troll coiled around the proffered device made Dirk nearly recoil.

He forced the troll forward, pulling the crop away at the same time. This sob was even more desperate. Equius would probably do whatever he wanted at this point, just to get off. His bulge thrashed, desperate for anything to hold onto as Dirk slipped two fingers into the troll, forcing his hips back in full display. The blond stretched and twisted said fingers, brutal and efficient. The moment the muscles in the troll’s nook relaxed, he stretched them further, further, until Equius was gasping for air, making choked, pleading noises over the bit.

It took only a few seconds to undo his pants and slide them down his hips far enough for the task at hand. With no warning, and really no other preparation, he slid into Equius’s nook. Troll anatomy was not made to take something so blunt. It had taken a lot of effort to train him. A lot more effort to slowly stretch the flesh so that it could accommodate such an insertion. Beautiful torture.

Equius locked up, going entirely silent as Dirk gave a few experimental thrusts, waiting for the troll to call for mercy, waiting for the moment where he went too far. Then, the indigo’s whole body seemed to go slack, and the unmistakable moans of pleasure made Dirk yank him backward into the motions, the slap of flesh on flesh drowning out the tiny sounds. Even if it hurt, even if it bled, Dirk was sure he would keep making those noises. The very thought made his whole body burn.

It took very little time for Equius to spill all over himself, the material pushing out around Dirk’s cock and soaking his pants. His bulge had twisted into nearly a knot, also soaked, but not producing nearly as much. Dirk pulled out after a few more pained cries, yanking Equius up by his hair and turning off the vibrator with the same motion. Once the troll was on his knees, he unclasped the gag. “Keep it open,” Dirk ordered as he removed the port as well, tossing both aside.

Equius looked… Well, he looked completely wrecked, but he sight of his mouth hanging open, tongue pressed to the bottom of his mouth like he was waiting for a treat… That did something special. Dirk let out a shuddering breath as he set his member on the troll’s lips. The big troll didn’t move, didn’t so much as twitch, though from the slight twitch of his neck muscles, it was clear he wanted to.

Dirk let the moment stretch. He enjoyed it, enjoyed feeling like someone wanted him so desperately, even though the only way he could have satisfying sex was apparently to torture his lovers. Some of the welts had opened up where they crossed over each other. He hadn’t noticed during the act.

“Well,” he growled, when he was sure his voice wouldn’t betray how much he was enjoying it. “You got me filthy. Clean it up.”

The troll may as well have been electrocuted, given how much he jumped to act. His tongue lolled out to lap at Dirk, hungry and searching. Dirk took hold of one horn, not directing, but definitely reminding the troll of his presence. Any time the indigoblood lingered too long in one area, the man dug his nails into the horn beds.

Even so, Equius treated the task with near reverence. He didn’t slow when Dirk thrust into his mouth, didn’t hesitate even as Dirk forced the breath from his lungs, fucking his face carelessly. In fact, he seemed completely content when Dirk spilled down his throat, pulling out only to make sure another spurt landed on his face and tongue.

“Swallow.” Dirk told the troll. “Show me.” Equius did as he was told, letting his mouth open again as Dirk inspected his face. “Good.”

The praise, however faint, made Equius nearly glow with pride. Dirk untied the blindfold, slipping it carefully over the troll’s horns. Then went the hoof mitts, slid off as Dirk forced his hands slack. The human wasn’t gentle when he forced the blood back into them, making sure the stiffness in his hands was eased. Equius only watched him, face still flushed. Expression content, half-lidded and satiated.

This fool. This trusting fool. Dirk could just leave, could just stand up and walk away and leave the troll destroyed. A part of him wanted to. Wanted to make such an impression that the troll never got him out of his thoughts. But instead, Dirk moved to unclip the harness, easing it over welts and bruises. Last came the plug, and Equius’s breath caught in his throat as it came out. The sigh of relief was almost infectious.

He was big, almost too big to handle, but Dirk managed to throw him over a shoulder. He only had to walk to the bathroom, starting the shower and settling the troll on the seat already inside. Equius made a noise of protest when Dirk stepped back, even though it was only long enough to disrobe.

Then, he was back, adjusting the shower head to cover them both with lukewarm spray. Equius’s eyes had closed, and he drooped, as much as a troll of his size could droop. Dirk moved to help rinse the troll off, rubbing him down and checking on the welts as he went.

It was silent, except for the sound of the water. Dirk forced the troll to lean forward as he inspected the cuts. Frowned as he ran his hands along some of the worst welts. Equius sat patiently during the examination. Dirk was careful, though not particularly gentle, as he wiped away the stain on his nook and thighs. Cleared the blood away and noted where the bandages needed to go when flesh was dry.

As long as Dirk had a hand on him, Equius was relaxed to the point of nearly falling over. He trailed around the indigoblood with his fingertips, staring down with attention normally reserved for machines. Ignored how his hands shook as he moved, an after effect of the adrenaline. Ignored the nausea rising in his gut from the vicious endorphine ride he’d experienced. Focused instead on the way the water moved in rivulets down the troll’s sculpted body. Watched the beauty of bruises blooming between the hard pieces of carapace yet to finish forming. When Dirk took a step back to rinse the sweat from his own body, the troll’s eyes snapped open, wild until he realized that Dirk was just taking care of his own needs. Another pang of guilt that he’d let the troll panic for even a moment. He was the one in charge, right? Well, what a bang up fucking job he was doing of that.

He shoved the disgust away. Now wasn’t the time. He had to make up for this latest lapse of self control.

“How’s your nook?” Dirk asked, running a hand through his sopping hair. As soon as he was finished, he turned the water off, and let his body get chilled by the air of the bathroom. After all, he was no doctor, so he had to take the troll’s word for it.

“Fine,” Equius replied, apparently fascinated by the goosebumps that erupted on the human’s skin. He seemed so harmless like this, like they were real lovers and not… whatever the hell they actually were. Dirk tried to tamp down on the thoughts, but they were back again. Louder and more insistent now that he had no tangible distraction. He’d fix that soon.

“Good.” Dirk reached out to grab a few towels from the cabinet nearby. He threw one over his shoulder and used another to start drying Equius off. The troll reached instinctively to take over, but then let his hands drop to his sides, letting out a contented sigh. Dirk continued to work, methodically and carefully drying each inch of skin. Trying not to feel sick as he saw the marks fading. Knowing that as soon as they were gone, he’d want to put them back again.

Dirk was especially careful with the troll’s hair. He took the towel from over his shoulder and carefully ran it along Equius’s skull, He ran his fingers through the troll’s locks, looking for places he’d pulled too hard. Finding them, where the skin looked swollen and sore, and letting the little pit of self-loathing inside of him fester further at the injury. He worked carefully around the places that looked irritated, combing through the locks with his fingers until it was smooth and beautiful again.

Then came bandages. Small ones, plasters on the cross sections that had broken open, a liberal dose of ointment to soothe the worst of the soreness. There wasn’t much to be done for the bruises, but trolls healed quickly enough he doubted anyone would notice by the time Equius had to return to his workplace.

It was only when the human finished tending that he saw Equius had begun to lean against the shower wall, a small smile playing on his lips. The troll was clearly still in some kind of haze, watching him with adoration that made Dirk want to freeze up and bolt from the place. He treated this like it was some kind of affectionate gesture, like Dirk wasn’t the one who put all these marks there in the first place. He wanted to tell Equius how stupid he was being. Didn’t he see that this was a penance? The absolute bare minimum he could do to prove he was a decent human being?

_ <strike>The only thing that could help Dirk convince himself he wasn’t a complete monster. </strike> _

Ignoring the bile churning in his stomach, he reached for his own towel and wiped his hair roughly. It would be styled later, when he had to look suave for the public. Right now, he didn’t want to even look at himself in the mirror. Equius watched him move, and startled the man when he reached for the towel. Silently, Dirk raised a brow and gave it to him, although not without some hesitance.

Having the troll’s hands on him wasn’t an entirely unfamiliar feeling. They’d had sex the vanilla way once or twice, back when they were still feeling out the waters. But he wasn’t used to the big troll’s hands being so dutiful, moving with purpose and confidence. Equius stood, and Dirk remembered that his face barely came up to the troll’s chest, that the indigoblood was getting larger every time they saw each other. One day he’d probably be able to ride the fool like an actual horse instead of the humiliating mockery they performed now.

Slow, gentle movements, across his back and arms. The movement of the towel down his sides and across each of his legs as Equius knelt before him. The troll stood again and put the towel down on the shower seat, opting instead to retrieve the garish orange bathrobe Dave had bought him as a joke. He slid it on for the man, claws so delicately working to fix the collar, to tie it just right before him. Then, the troll led him out of the bathroom and past their playroom. Further, further, to the unassuming bedroom where Dirk rarely actually slept.

Still silent, the troll encouraged him to sit on the edge of the bed. Dirk didn’t know why he allowed it, but he did, still looking for any pain in the troll as he moved. The troll’s nook clearly twinged a few times, but it was nothing particularly serious. But it could have been, he knew. Any slip up and they wouldn’t be looking at each other like this. He wouldn’t be watching as the troll took out a small brush and settled down just behind him on the bed.

This was… new. That wasn’t his hairbrush. The troll was clearly out of his element with it, trying to gently undo the knots Dirk’s rough treatment had put in it. After several seconds, the troll discarded the tool, instead using his claws to delicately pick apart the knots. His finger pads rubbed across Dirk’s scalp, startlingly light given the troll’s strength. Dirk let his eyes close.

It must have been ten minutes or more before Equius was apparently satisfied with the treatment. Long enough the Dirk had been drawn out of the newness of the actions and thrown back into wondering why the hell the troll hadn’t beaten a hasty retreat yet. They were done. He usually made sure Equius was okay, maybe got him something to eat and drink if he was feeling shaky, and then sent the blueblood on his way. Although the extra contact did help fight off the worst of his thoughts. _<strike> Like it was Stockholm Syndrome and he’d finally broken down the troll enough that he didn’t know how to run anymore. </strike>_

Equius’s arm slid to wrap around his chest, drawing him back to the cooler troll. Dirk jerked in surprise, prompting the troll to awkwardly recoil as well. “My apologies,” Equius said immediately, although he didn’t sound particularly sorry about it. Dirk didn’t turn, wasn’t sure what expression he was making. He didn’t have his sunglasses here. It was hard to fight the feeling of being stripped bare, laid out for even an instant for the troll to see the disgusting thoughts hiding beneath his skin.

_You should go,_ he wanted to tell the troll. But he didn’t, looking away determinedly. Not able to voice the words, but unwilling to get up and imply them. _ Run, before I manage to fuck this up, too. _ Equius carefully settled his hands on the human’s shoulders instead. They spanned his shoulder blades and then some, claws dull, but still sharp enough to rip out his artery if the troll decided to move.

Dirk relaxed a little despite himself. If the indigo wanted to, he could get up and go, too. Could snap his neck without much effort. Could tear him down to little pieces for all the horrible things that had happened and leave Dirk broken on the floor. Instead, the troll carefully put arms back around his shoulders, hugging gently. This time, when Dirk’s back hit the troll’s skin, he didn’t jump away. He just let out a shaky breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

“Thank you,” Equius said softly, hesitantly. “For indulging me.” Dirk put his hands around the troll’s forearms, tempted to fling him away. He wanted to scream, wanted to make a damned PowerPoint presentation on what an unhealthy fucking thing this was to enjoy. It wasn't normal. They weren’t _normal_. Didn’t he know that? He didn’t deserve to be held so affectionately after doing what he had done in that other room. Not after enjoying it so much.

Instead, the human gripped tighter, turning this into a nearly desperate embrace. “Yeah,” he said coolly, ignoring how his hands must have been shaking. It was the exercise. Must have been. His voice came out a little hoarse, but it was probably just something caught in his throat. As the troll nuzzled into the back of his head, gentle and oh so fucking precious, the knot in his stomach loosened a little. “No problem.”

Maybe he needed this. And if Equius was too stupid to run, Dirk would add to his pile of sins by enjoying it.


End file.
